Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Seriosuly.. next time class woes.
I hate spiders. I hate them! So much. I can't stand spiders. I can't even pretend to stand spiders. They scare the shit out of me. Some people shit bricks. I shit mansions. Only I'm so poor if it cost a nickel to shit myself I'd have to vomit.
I really hate spiders.
And you would think, because I hate spiders so much I wouldn't deal with them. Which is strangely the EXACT oppisite. I deal with spiders all the time! I'm not an exterminator, I don't know how ti happens. I don't seek them out. They seek me out. Spiders find ME! When spiders are bored in college they like to cruise the local neighborhoods to see if a Liz is around so they can scare the bejeezus out of me and run laughing home before thier parents get mad that they busted curfew or find the pot hidden beneath thier mattress.
When I was a kid tho, and by that I mean when I was 16 my dad got mad at how abso batshit I would go if something had 8 legs. He yelled at me. Sometimes when one of your parents yells at you in that tone. You know.. that tone the tone that makes you feel like you dissapointed them deeply. You feel terrible. He told me I could be as afraid as I wanted just not to show it. It's just a tiny spider he said. Suck it up.
I could do this! I could be NOT afraid of spiders. So the next week when I saw a spider on my ceiling I made a PACT with the spider. I said "Mr. Spider, let us make a deal you can have the top two feet of my room, and do with them what you will but I get the rest of the room and you stay up there and I stay down here" And I think the spider agreed with me before for the next three months he was all over the ceiling.. But he never came down to me, we lived in harmony and it was good.
Then one day.. he was on my keyboard. I killed the SHIT out of him. I told him he had no excuse. He belonged up on the ceiling. He wasn't visiting his aunt ( his excuse ) because I killed her last year when she was on a sweater of mine ( which I also tried to throw out) So then I realized that spiders and I aren't meant to get along.
Just tonight I'm sitting here and I thought I saw something dangling in front of me. Mind you I have no working lamp in my room right now, so when it turns night time I oly am comforted by the glow of my monitor. I adjust my eyes and there's a frickin spider lowering down from SOMEWHERE to try and touch my arm. I flip. of course. I kill it between two dvd cases. I had nothing else at hand.
I remember one time I chased a spider around my desk with a screw driver. Do you know how hard it is to killa spider with a slot head screwdriver? It's not frickin easy!
They come down off my ceiling from no where. Just lowering themselves in front of my monitor, acting like dirt. I refocus and there's a fucking spider the size of a fucking gig stick in front of me. I flip out and fall backwards ot of my chair slamming me head against my bed and giving myself what I am sure could only be a minor concusion and stunning myself. Which def gave this spider the right and free will to lower itself closer to my now truly panicking form. I killed it with a book. That was last year. I still have not TOUCHED that book again.
And I'm telling you, being inebriated doesn't help me any. I get worse.
I was spinning in my chair playing with a slinky. I was drunk.. that's what I do. I spin and play with slinkies and think up bizarre situations for my web comic that I'm too lazy to draw but just motivated enough to story board. and I see a spider on my radiator. I freak.
Times like these I'm glad I'm home alone no one else has to sit and see me talk to myself about how ugly the .50 peice sized spider next to my pillow is.
"Liz.. bigg spider liz.. biiiig spider.. we gotta kill it.. no no we can';t kill it here. the other spiders will know! it's friends will know! We have to catch it - no no no no no touching the spider.. it'll kill us.. can't leave it there it'll get me while I sleep"
I decised a plan that a cd case and my converted into a pencil cup tooth brush cup could become an effective trap. I scoop up the spider and run into the bathroom with my only intention of leaving it in the cup until my Mother gets home and SHE can kill it. Good job.
But here's where the crazy peeks back in. I hate spiders.. but they look so cool! I love looking at them.. when they are on the other side of things that cannot hurt me. So I peek into the cup.. and it's gone. The spider is gone. Maybe it's hiding I tell myself. Maybe it's hiding somewhere. So I knock it on the floor. There is no spider. How did I not capture this spider.
Remember I'm still drunk.
"where is the spider.. It's like clock spider.. where is it where is it" I think to myself ( if you don't know what clock spider is go urban dictionary search it ) Then I realized it was probobly smarter than my drunk self and snuck off into one of the many slots on the radiator. So I flip again. I start pacing in my room. What if this spider is going to remember I tried to catch it.. and it comes to get me tonight.
I'm starting to sober up by now because I've scared myself pretty badly and being drunk didn't help but I manage to calm down enough to tell myself that I'm drunk, there's no way that spider is going to come back and try and get me while I sleep. Spiders are canniabls. ( I do research on spiders when I'm bored ) There is no way a whole slew of different spiders are going to come attack me. I should go to bed I tell myself.
I lay down and look at the ceiling, and I shit you not there is a fucking huge spider there.
I slept on the couch.
My friend Jess thought it might be hilarious to give me a gift she got down in florida, but when I opened the box it was a 4 inch wolf spider.
Dead of course, you don't think she'd give me a live spider do you? It was in this cute little wrapped box and had a ribbon and good lord she laughed.
In an effort to help me get over my spider phobia.. which isn't a phobia, I'm afraid of them but not to the point of not being able to function. She decided I should own spiders. All sizes.. all dead.
I keep the spider ( we named ralph) in the box.. closed with a rubber band.
Sometimes I think his ghost might be telling the other spiders where to find me.
Ralph's a bastard.
_Liz out.
P.S. Spiders Suck.
I really hate spiders.
And you would think, because I hate spiders so much I wouldn't deal with them. Which is strangely the EXACT oppisite. I deal with spiders all the time! I'm not an exterminator, I don't know how ti happens. I don't seek them out. They seek me out. Spiders find ME! When spiders are bored in college they like to cruise the local neighborhoods to see if a Liz is around so they can scare the bejeezus out of me and run laughing home before thier parents get mad that they busted curfew or find the pot hidden beneath thier mattress.
When I was a kid tho, and by that I mean when I was 16 my dad got mad at how abso batshit I would go if something had 8 legs. He yelled at me. Sometimes when one of your parents yells at you in that tone. You know.. that tone the tone that makes you feel like you dissapointed them deeply. You feel terrible. He told me I could be as afraid as I wanted just not to show it. It's just a tiny spider he said. Suck it up.
I could do this! I could be NOT afraid of spiders. So the next week when I saw a spider on my ceiling I made a PACT with the spider. I said "Mr. Spider, let us make a deal you can have the top two feet of my room, and do with them what you will but I get the rest of the room and you stay up there and I stay down here" And I think the spider agreed with me before for the next three months he was all over the ceiling.. But he never came down to me, we lived in harmony and it was good.
Then one day.. he was on my keyboard. I killed the SHIT out of him. I told him he had no excuse. He belonged up on the ceiling. He wasn't visiting his aunt ( his excuse ) because I killed her last year when she was on a sweater of mine ( which I also tried to throw out) So then I realized that spiders and I aren't meant to get along.
Just tonight I'm sitting here and I thought I saw something dangling in front of me. Mind you I have no working lamp in my room right now, so when it turns night time I oly am comforted by the glow of my monitor. I adjust my eyes and there's a frickin spider lowering down from SOMEWHERE to try and touch my arm. I flip. of course. I kill it between two dvd cases. I had nothing else at hand.
I remember one time I chased a spider around my desk with a screw driver. Do you know how hard it is to killa spider with a slot head screwdriver? It's not frickin easy!
They come down off my ceiling from no where. Just lowering themselves in front of my monitor, acting like dirt. I refocus and there's a fucking spider the size of a fucking gig stick in front of me. I flip out and fall backwards ot of my chair slamming me head against my bed and giving myself what I am sure could only be a minor concusion and stunning myself. Which def gave this spider the right and free will to lower itself closer to my now truly panicking form. I killed it with a book. That was last year. I still have not TOUCHED that book again.
And I'm telling you, being inebriated doesn't help me any. I get worse.
I was spinning in my chair playing with a slinky. I was drunk.. that's what I do. I spin and play with slinkies and think up bizarre situations for my web comic that I'm too lazy to draw but just motivated enough to story board. and I see a spider on my radiator. I freak.
Times like these I'm glad I'm home alone no one else has to sit and see me talk to myself about how ugly the .50 peice sized spider next to my pillow is.
"Liz.. bigg spider liz.. biiiig spider.. we gotta kill it.. no no we can';t kill it here. the other spiders will know! it's friends will know! We have to catch it - no no no no no touching the spider.. it'll kill us.. can't leave it there it'll get me while I sleep"
I decised a plan that a cd case and my converted into a pencil cup tooth brush cup could become an effective trap. I scoop up the spider and run into the bathroom with my only intention of leaving it in the cup until my Mother gets home and SHE can kill it. Good job.
But here's where the crazy peeks back in. I hate spiders.. but they look so cool! I love looking at them.. when they are on the other side of things that cannot hurt me. So I peek into the cup.. and it's gone. The spider is gone. Maybe it's hiding I tell myself. Maybe it's hiding somewhere. So I knock it on the floor. There is no spider. How did I not capture this spider.
Remember I'm still drunk.
"where is the spider.. It's like clock spider.. where is it where is it" I think to myself ( if you don't know what clock spider is go urban dictionary search it ) Then I realized it was probobly smarter than my drunk self and snuck off into one of the many slots on the radiator. So I flip again. I start pacing in my room. What if this spider is going to remember I tried to catch it.. and it comes to get me tonight.
I'm starting to sober up by now because I've scared myself pretty badly and being drunk didn't help but I manage to calm down enough to tell myself that I'm drunk, there's no way that spider is going to come back and try and get me while I sleep. Spiders are canniabls. ( I do research on spiders when I'm bored ) There is no way a whole slew of different spiders are going to come attack me. I should go to bed I tell myself.
I lay down and look at the ceiling, and I shit you not there is a fucking huge spider there.
I slept on the couch.
My friend Jess thought it might be hilarious to give me a gift she got down in florida, but when I opened the box it was a 4 inch wolf spider.
Dead of course, you don't think she'd give me a live spider do you? It was in this cute little wrapped box and had a ribbon and good lord she laughed.
In an effort to help me get over my spider phobia.. which isn't a phobia, I'm afraid of them but not to the point of not being able to function. She decided I should own spiders. All sizes.. all dead.
I keep the spider ( we named ralph) in the box.. closed with a rubber band.
Sometimes I think his ghost might be telling the other spiders where to find me.
Ralph's a bastard.
_Liz out.
P.S. Spiders Suck.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Next time, the horror of a three hour long lecture on excel!
I have always appreciated the terms "in my journeys.." or "in my life I have found.." unfortunatly for someone of my few and in comparison far from wild but substantially stupid years I don't often get the ability to use it unless I want to lend to my story serious sarcasm or a sardonic tone. I do know some things tho. One of which is that if you want to over hear some seriously bizarre things hop on your local public transportation.
I don't think there is anywhere else in MY city you could over hear two girls arguing over who is a whore and who stoles drugs out of who's purse. Two grandmothers discussing the benefits of confiscating thier grandson's fronts ( gold and silver teeth coverings, also see bling) in order to extract higher grades on ther report cards. You'll also get the basest and most revolting pick up lines shouted from bus windows and muttered between girls who clearly aren't having it and guys who wish they could. I mean to be honest what could be more appealing than someone who thinks I look tastier than a box of chicken while holding his pants up with one hand and a bus rail with the other. Today I saw someone who had a belt on! Of course it was fastened tight around his knees so while he didn't have to hold his pants up his ass was still on display in red slightly transparent boxer briefs. when I began to see more than I ever wanted to .
I for one don't leave the house in the morning hoping to see some guys ass. I also heard " I read all about that shit on myspace" this morning, about.. I dunno. 5 times? Let alone knowing that myspace isn't worth the html that it's typed in.
Whenever I feel like finding something to be angry about I'll catch the bus. sitting in the food court of a mall is just as rewarding but I prefer the bus because then I can actually record what I'm hearing and not have to filter out stuff.
I think sometimes my hatred of the world boils everyone down into two groups. Peoples and Persons. Persons.. persons like you and me, smart intelligent humanoids who seek out interesting things to read and do. Who tend to have smarter conversations. and People.. Oo I hate people. people large groups of persons who somehow lose all common sense and reason. Sometimes people consist of groups of people who never had common sense or reason in the first place. Like the bus driver I had who didn't know that ducks could fly.
People defy all sense of natural selection and if it weren't for civilization and human rights I'm sure an open season wouldn't be too frowned upon. But that opens a whole new can of worms.
Blah blah.
Tho I do have to say there is nothing I dislike more than finding out a person I liked it is actually a people I don't.
enough of this angry complaining for now. I have to go do homework for useless classes, which I'llbitch all about later.
I don't think there is anywhere else in MY city you could over hear two girls arguing over who is a whore and who stoles drugs out of who's purse. Two grandmothers discussing the benefits of confiscating thier grandson's fronts ( gold and silver teeth coverings, also see bling) in order to extract higher grades on ther report cards. You'll also get the basest and most revolting pick up lines shouted from bus windows and muttered between girls who clearly aren't having it and guys who wish they could. I mean to be honest what could be more appealing than someone who thinks I look tastier than a box of chicken while holding his pants up with one hand and a bus rail with the other. Today I saw someone who had a belt on! Of course it was fastened tight around his knees so while he didn't have to hold his pants up his ass was still on display in red slightly transparent boxer briefs. when I began to see more than I ever wanted to .
I for one don't leave the house in the morning hoping to see some guys ass. I also heard " I read all about that shit on myspace" this morning, about.. I dunno. 5 times? Let alone knowing that myspace isn't worth the html that it's typed in.
Whenever I feel like finding something to be angry about I'll catch the bus. sitting in the food court of a mall is just as rewarding but I prefer the bus because then I can actually record what I'm hearing and not have to filter out stuff.
I think sometimes my hatred of the world boils everyone down into two groups. Peoples and Persons. Persons.. persons like you and me, smart intelligent humanoids who seek out interesting things to read and do. Who tend to have smarter conversations. and People.. Oo I hate people. people large groups of persons who somehow lose all common sense and reason. Sometimes people consist of groups of people who never had common sense or reason in the first place. Like the bus driver I had who didn't know that ducks could fly.
People defy all sense of natural selection and if it weren't for civilization and human rights I'm sure an open season wouldn't be too frowned upon. But that opens a whole new can of worms.
Blah blah.
Tho I do have to say there is nothing I dislike more than finding out a person I liked it is actually a people I don't.
enough of this angry complaining for now. I have to go do homework for useless classes, which I'llbitch all about later.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
How Not To Suck: Get GAME
Here I Go, Here I go, Here I go Again..
(Ladies) What's My Weakness? MEN! - Salt n Pepa
It's true, it's true. Who doesn't have a weakness for men. except maybe quite a few other men. I however must admit that tall and handsome can get my motor running. I go flabbergasted when a cute guy talks to me and my own personal shortcoming is being shy as hell when it comes to talking to someone I think is cute about the fact that I think he's cute.
Flirting however. I'm amazing at. Or so I like to think. It's not like there's a class on this sort of thing. No one ever walks up to you and says, "jesus christ you are the worst flirter I have ever seen in my entire life, please stop for the sake of all of our sanities" To be fair the movies and t.v. shows totally paint an incorrect picture of how to flirt. I personally think that acting honestly and true to yourself you could get someone interested you easily.
You do NOT however do what has happened to me today, or countless other times. I left my house this morning to go and get my learners. ( Finally I know.) About a block away from my house and 4 minutes or so into the entire mile trip to the DMV/MVA a man across the street shouted at me. "EXCUSE ME!" I was thinking that maybe someone needed directions so I turned around looking for maybe a car or thinking that perhaps I dropped something. It was just some dude across the street from me. So I turned and went back about my business. He continued to shout at me for the next 15 minutes. The entire walk from my house to the Mall he shouted at me. "Hey Baby! Sweet heart, Baby Girl, Honey, Yo yo yo, Hey Sweet Heart. Yo backpack baby girl" None of which I turned around to. At one point he even crossed the street and shouted at me while I was walking in front of him. I wasn't flattered. And I'd be seriosuly dissapointed in anyone who would actually turn around and give some ignorant yokel thier number after being shouted at for 15 minutes in a most unflattering manner.
I have had people tell me that they don;t believe that walking up to someone and simply talking to them will give them any chance. To that I say Phooey and PSHCHAW! I have walked up to quite a few complete strangers and spoken to them. Usually it's not for phone numbers but it doesn't take some smooth pick up line to get someones attention.
I don't think I have personally ever recieved a good pick up line:
1. Damn baby, the good lord super sized your chest
2. Where I come from we call you corn bread women
3. Did you fall from heaven? cause I love dead chicks..
4. Lemme get yo number baby, cause you supa fine
And I definately don't like any I have heard from other people:
1. Nice shoes wanna fuck?
2. You look tired, probobly because you've been running through my mind all day
3. Damn bitch you stupid fly lemme get up on yo bumper and smack that monkey
4. If I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?
Even some of the more nerdy ones make it seem pretty funny but even then for anything less than a goofy opener it's not worth while. If you feel that your own personality is so deficiant that you require a stupid pick up line the girl who seems interested in you will eventually find out anyway. People be yourself. That's all the game you need.
Next time you think someone's good looking. Just walk up to them and say "hi, My name is ___ I think you are very pretty/sexy/good looking, and while I don't mean to seem crude I was wondering if I could get your number/screenname/e-mail adress. Or even go out with you now for a cup of tea./coffee./whiskey.
For the fucking world's sake please don't run up behind some person and shout at them. Don't crotch thrust when they walk by and shout "Damn baby, man could get used to lovin a woman like you"
And just another word of advice be well dressed when you do it. Because it's kinda hard for anyone to take you seriously when one of your hands is constantly tied up with holding your own damn pants up. Get pants that fit. And maybe a belt. Get some guts or some balls and maybe a shot of courage and walk up to someone dammit.,
GAME IS OVER RATED. Honesty isn't.
Don't suck like that creepy dude today.
_Liz out.
(Ladies) What's My Weakness? MEN! - Salt n Pepa
It's true, it's true. Who doesn't have a weakness for men. except maybe quite a few other men. I however must admit that tall and handsome can get my motor running. I go flabbergasted when a cute guy talks to me and my own personal shortcoming is being shy as hell when it comes to talking to someone I think is cute about the fact that I think he's cute.
Flirting however. I'm amazing at. Or so I like to think. It's not like there's a class on this sort of thing. No one ever walks up to you and says, "jesus christ you are the worst flirter I have ever seen in my entire life, please stop for the sake of all of our sanities" To be fair the movies and t.v. shows totally paint an incorrect picture of how to flirt. I personally think that acting honestly and true to yourself you could get someone interested you easily.
You do NOT however do what has happened to me today, or countless other times. I left my house this morning to go and get my learners. ( Finally I know.) About a block away from my house and 4 minutes or so into the entire mile trip to the DMV/MVA a man across the street shouted at me. "EXCUSE ME!" I was thinking that maybe someone needed directions so I turned around looking for maybe a car or thinking that perhaps I dropped something. It was just some dude across the street from me. So I turned and went back about my business. He continued to shout at me for the next 15 minutes. The entire walk from my house to the Mall he shouted at me. "Hey Baby! Sweet heart, Baby Girl, Honey, Yo yo yo, Hey Sweet Heart. Yo backpack baby girl" None of which I turned around to. At one point he even crossed the street and shouted at me while I was walking in front of him. I wasn't flattered. And I'd be seriosuly dissapointed in anyone who would actually turn around and give some ignorant yokel thier number after being shouted at for 15 minutes in a most unflattering manner.
I have had people tell me that they don;t believe that walking up to someone and simply talking to them will give them any chance. To that I say Phooey and PSHCHAW! I have walked up to quite a few complete strangers and spoken to them. Usually it's not for phone numbers but it doesn't take some smooth pick up line to get someones attention.
I don't think I have personally ever recieved a good pick up line:
1. Damn baby, the good lord super sized your chest
2. Where I come from we call you corn bread women
3. Did you fall from heaven? cause I love dead chicks..
4. Lemme get yo number baby, cause you supa fine
And I definately don't like any I have heard from other people:
1. Nice shoes wanna fuck?
2. You look tired, probobly because you've been running through my mind all day
3. Damn bitch you stupid fly lemme get up on yo bumper and smack that monkey
4. If I said you had a nice body would you hold it against me?
Even some of the more nerdy ones make it seem pretty funny but even then for anything less than a goofy opener it's not worth while. If you feel that your own personality is so deficiant that you require a stupid pick up line the girl who seems interested in you will eventually find out anyway. People be yourself. That's all the game you need.
Next time you think someone's good looking. Just walk up to them and say "hi, My name is ___ I think you are very pretty/sexy/good looking, and while I don't mean to seem crude I was wondering if I could get your number/screenname/e-mail adress. Or even go out with you now for a cup of tea./coffee./whiskey.
For the fucking world's sake please don't run up behind some person and shout at them. Don't crotch thrust when they walk by and shout "Damn baby, man could get used to lovin a woman like you"
And just another word of advice be well dressed when you do it. Because it's kinda hard for anyone to take you seriously when one of your hands is constantly tied up with holding your own damn pants up. Get pants that fit. And maybe a belt. Get some guts or some balls and maybe a shot of courage and walk up to someone dammit.,
GAME IS OVER RATED. Honesty isn't.
Don't suck like that creepy dude today.
_Liz out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
