Teach Mother Nature who is in charge. Also: How to be a better friend.

So you guys are gettign a real short entry for the Benrik Section. I was supposed to teach mother nature who was boss this week. Since I was barely home and spent my days falling through ceilings and spreading fiber glass insulation everywhere Mother Nature only had to deal with my neglecting my bunny, and leaving my computer, monitor, speakers, light and space heater on for a week straight. Solid. I was also super lazy. And was either driven or walked everywhere. I also shoveled lots of horse shit. Boo on me.

The main chunk of this blog is taken up in my new past time.. writing how I think my "friends suck" and thusly giving you ( whoever reads this ) an instruction manual on how NOT to be a shitty friend.
The first installation into How to Be a Better friend.. a.k.a Maybe you suck and don't know it yet is all about friend courtesy.
Specifically? Job References: How to get your friends to agree to lie officially for you.

Everyone has dreaded job interviews and everyone totally lies about something they say they can do so they can score the job and land some cash. "Yes I can type. Yes I love kids. Yes I'm a people person. No I don't mind working early in the day to late late at night." It's not wrong.. per-se. Asking a friend to be a reference.. also not wrong. But it's all in how you do it.
First off usually it's important that you get a friend who doesn't have moral qualms about lying for you. If you ask they will probobly say no.. and then you're screwed.
Second it's important that you fucking ask your god damn so called friend if they MIND if you use them as a reference. DO NOT just have whatever job you used them as a reference for call them as soon as you leave an interview asking your so called friend to describe you and your work ethic without any warning. If you do this to the wrong person they might give a bad recommendation .. just to teach you the lesson you so obviously deserve.
Third. It's very important that if a friend is going to lie for you, that they are actually friends with you. You need to ask someone you can trust, who also trusts you. If you ask a friend who secretly hates you to give a job reference and for shits and giggles behind your back tells your might maybe soon to be boss that you actually smoke pot all the time and you were fired for being a smart ass lazy worthless human being and that he not only regrets hiring you but would hunt down and burn down any company that considers it. If it's not a glowing recommendation, and you're not sure they'll give you one. Don't do it.
Fourth. Assuming that your friend has already agreed to lie for you, and they will say something nice. Make it easier for them. Don't ask them to lie for you in an obviously bogus situation. If you are allergic to pets don't ask them to lie and say you are great with animals. If you secretly hate children don't ask them to pretend they hired you as a nanny. If you like having sex with dead people don't apply for the FBI and ask them to appear as a character witness and blah blah blah. you get the jist of it.

Don't do what my some what not so courteous friend did and had two seperate jobs call me and ask me if I would hire her again and if she was any good with kids. I am a decent person and lied nicely for her, but I haven't seen her face to face in a little over three months at least. And I have absolutely no fucking clue how she is with kids. It was very irritating for my sushi buffet lunch to be interrupted so I could lie for someone who I secretly think is a bit of a fucking flake.
I kind wish I had said so. but I didn't.. that would have made ME the shitty friend. ( and I'm not)

On the getting friends to lie for you issue this also brings Keeping thier big mouths shut. If you can keep a secret for your friend, you friend can keep a secret for you. You would be suprised how good a zipper loyalty can make. Don't be a blabber mouth about your friends conversations with you and thier indescretions. In the end if you have something on them. They have something on you. And backstabbing contests usually end in embarassment. Unless they are like me and have no shame.. in which case you shouldn't stab someone who has no shame in the back. They don't have limits.

That's all for now.

Does your friend suck? Do you need advice on how to get your friend to be a better friend? Is there some total asshole who's causing you issues and you want to know how to get decent revenge and still seem on the straight and awesomely narrow? Leave a comment and get a response. Hell maybe even a whole entry devoted just to you. Or those you hate.

Toodles for now

~Liz